By Annie Dion-Clément
An ex-addict tells us about his tumultuous life path from adolescence, when he started consuming, to life on the street, to today, now on the cusp of age 30.
Adorned with several tattoos, with his lively eyes and great big smile, Victor (not his real name) gets emotional when he talks about how he started off on drugs. He remembers being 12 when he took his first puff of marijuana.
It was a way for him to control his emotions: “Drugs were an escape from reality,” he explains.
Emotional Hole
At night, Victor would prepare his tiny half-ounce bags to sell them at school the next day. His stock was good, and he quickly became an excellent dealer. This made some of his competitors jealous, and soon he was being watched by several people. Students at the school denounced him: school authorities and the police they worked with had Victor arrested one morning.
He got the impression that he was all alone and that the whole world was his enemy. “I was almost paranoid,” he concludes.
At the youth detention centre, Victor learned that he had been under surveillance for a year, and that there were 150 videos of him dealing narcotics. He was given a criminal record for possession of drugs and a several year ban on travelling to the United States.
When he got out, his school put on an assembly where parents and students were shown videos of him engaging in criminal activity. Afterwards, he was expelled.
In all, six schools showed him the door. Wherever he went teachers turned their backs on him. They judged him. Some said he was a poison to society. Still, he managed to finish high school and go on to college.
But soon he was back to his old ways, to pay his debts. “It was a mistake to constantly return to selling drugs to get by, because you don’t make any money. The more you sell, the more you consume. It’s a vicious circle.”
The Street
Victor ended up living on the street for about six years. “It was debauchery, because you find everything on the street. Violence, alcohol, sex and drugs are part of your everyday life. Those were difficult years.”
He explains that he got there because he couldn’t manage his self-hatred. He wanted to destroy himself: “For a long time I’d been at war with myself. But at a certain moment I wanted to change my life.”
Family in Crisis
Stepping back, he sees a link between his drug addiction and his dysfunctional family life. He had emotional problems as a child. He felt left behind by his father – a moody, complicated man who showed no interest in him.
When his father abandoned the family home, his mother became the sole parent. A stepfather quickly entered Victor’s life and tried to impose his authority. Victor avoided him and withdrew.
The first times he was caught using drugs, his mother and stepfather beat him and tied him to his bed before calling the police. His mother and stepfather often kept part of his stash to consume later. “It was really hypocritical on their part. Acting that way just made our relationship worse. I got even more rebellious, and was constantly pushing back at my limits.”
Not really having any father, he searched for role models among other men: notably, gangsters. Victor watched TV and the movies and dreamed of one day being one of them. He was fascinated by their image and their strength. Drugs were a way to get to where he wanted to go.
The attention Victor got as a dealer helped him in some part manage the suffering that his father’s indifference had caused. “Dealing is power, because you are popular. You incarnate disobedience, and a lot of people fear and admire you at the same time. You do not pass unnoticed,” he says.
Return to the Past
Today he recognizes that he has made a lot of irreparable errors. “The things you do are permanent. If you take drugs, that can sink your life and give you a lot of serious problems.”
Nonetheless, he believes that no one is perfect. The teenage years are a time to explore, and sometimes do forbidden things to confront your parents and assert yourself. “You learn about yourself by the mistakes you make.”
Victor thinks that it is useless to try and scare kids off drugs. You should just educate them on the long-term negative consequences drugs can have on their lives: “If a young person wants to try the experience, they’re going to do it. The best thing is to accompany them. Don’t judge. Love is the way out.”
He can now forgive himself and accept his past. “I have had an original life path, with its highs and lows. I don’t want to associate with a gangster’s image. I want to be myself and do good.”
Victor has become a professional graffiti artist. Despite his tattoo-covered body he is often invited to schools to teach kids drawing and graffiti art.
Victor likes to express himself through the arts, which occupy a considerable place in his life. It is through the arts that he has been able to wean himself off of drugs.
“But I like my adrenaline-filled life,” he says. This young man continues to forge his way into society, while keeping his touch of marginality!
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