By Célie Dugand
What if we always spoke with respect and empathy? That’s what Cowansville teacher Mélanie Whitham does every day, with her son and her husband, using nonviolent communication (NVC). That way of expressing herself brings her a lot.
CNV was developed in the 1970s by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. According to psycho-educator Mélanie Bilodeau, this practice consists in enjoying a positive interaction that is empathetic and oriented towards the other, respecting their needs and emotions. It can be put into play in any situation: within the family, at work, between friends…
Whitham discovered this means of communicating 21 years ago through a friend who had taken a course on the subject. She learned about it and it caught her fancy. She had always been attracted to unconventional educational approaches. Disenchanted with conventional schools, she had founded an alternative school, PEACE.
Helped by different training sessions, this teacher rapidly adopted this tool. “I started to practice NVC at my school,” she explains. “But it’s not something you choose to do in your workplace; rather, you absorb its principles. So I also put it into practice with my husband, and it came naturally to use it with my son when I became a mother.”
All in the Family
NVC is a pillar of raising children compassionately, called “safe parenting.” This practice consists of raising children without using punishment or spanking, but rather fostering dialogue to guide instead of trying to control or dominate.
Even if every family has its own approach towards nonviolent communication, Bilodeau recommends that you speak in terms of “I” as much as possible in order to not blame the other person. She lays down steps to follow when we express ourselves. First, identify the situation and the emotions and feelings it generates, using the spectrum of emotions for the youngest (joy, anger) and that of feelings (shame, frustration) for adults. Then, associate these with needs before formulating your expectations through a concrete and negotiable demand or request.
Bilodeau offers: “Concretely, that could give you this: Today, you’ve come home late, I feel exhausted, I need to lie down. Can we find a compromise?”
There is no miracle method of practicing NVC. “It’s a gradual process, it’s the work of a lifetime to learn how I want to do this,” Whitham asserts. For her part, she puts great importance on expressing needs. She’s even created needs cards on which are written different words referring to various needs and emotions. She has them waiting to be used at her home.
In this way, with each situation with her son, she can offer empathy and try to understand him. “That’s the challenge, to go find the other person’s need,” she adds. Then she teaches him that he is capable of repairing his mistakes, and finds a solution with him. Once that is done, she expresses her gratitude to him.
Punishments don’t exist in the Whitham household. For a while their son didn’t know what the word meant. “When he was four,” she recounts with a smile on her lips, “someone used the word ‘punishment’ beside him. He came to see me to ask me what it meant. That’s when I said to myself: ‘Yes, I’ve succeeded in my mission.’”
On top of that she doesn’t tell her son to do anything. She never has to tell him to be polite, for example. And yet he thanks people a lot, Whitham says. “Since he’s heard us say it, whether it’s between my husband and I, to him, or to others, he says it too. We are examples. You don’t have to teach anything, just follow them around.”
Bilodeau says that can be explained by the fact that children observe more than they listen, and they’re emotional sponges.
Whitham also decided to no longer employ words that are labels, like “beautiful” or “ugly”. She says labels are everywhere in society, and they block compassion. It took her years to take labels out of her own vocabulary and replace them with other words. “It took years to deconstruct the language I’d learned and develop a new language. Since my son is home schooled, he doesn’t know labels as he’s learned the language with us. He doesn’t need to unlearn them.”
NVC is a way of life for the Whitham family. Each evening the three practice expressing gratitude, talking about what on that day they appreciated.
Positive Impact
Whitham says this approach has allowed her son to grow up serenely: “Empathy is the greatest protection. He walks through the world with confidence, intelligence and connectivity. He feels safe. He doesn’t put himself in danger, he looks out for himself. He’s capable of asking for things and saying what he means even to unknown adults.”
Bilodeau says that when a child’s emotions are accommodated, it has a positive impact not only on their socio-emotional skills but also on their cognitive abilities. Studies have shown that when you encourage a child, their hippocampus, a part of the brain involved in learning and memory, increases in volume. Their neurons and synapses also develop better.
This psycho-educator explains: “For a brain to function, it has to grow up in empathy. Educating a child in an atmosphere of constant and repetitive fear over the course of several years impacts their cerebral structures, notably the hippocampus and the amygdala.”
Since a child’s brain is in full development from ages 2 to 9, this has serious repercussions on the very young. The brain will continue to develop when they are older, but in a different way, since it will involve brain plasticity.
NVC also has a positive impact on the entire family, Whitham says: “It opens a dialog, and motivates us to speak of our experiences. We learn to be more open, and to listen. If you’re able to pick up on the feelings and the needs behind a statement, you never will take things personally.”
This communication method allows for her to undertake difficult conversations. Thanks to the empathy that has been developed, she has confidence and is able to walk towards conflict, which is enriching.
“I ask myself what my life would have been like if I hadn’t discovered NVC,” she muses. “It’s anchored me as a person. I walk serenely, and I feel safe because I am a free person. It’s given me the freedom to create my life as I wish it to be, in an honest fashion” Whitham says, emotionally.
Challenges
Nonetheless, practicing NVC with her husband has not always been easy. That has been her greatest challenge. “With my son, I’ve given myself the duty to be more honest since I’m educating him. With my partner, I’m always thinking that he’s an adult and should know all this. I’ve had a lot of trouble detaching myself from that. That’s where NVC has sustained me, in helping me accept the other person for who they are.”
Even if everything isn’t always perfect, it’s important to never condemn. Bilodeau observes that knowing how to control your emotions is one of the biggest challenges. When we’re not able to express our emotions adequately we tend, when there is a situation, to isolate ourselves far from where things are happening, in a place where we hear nothing, or where we can put on noise-cancelling headphones to block out the sound. She suggests you take three deep breaths, breathing out slowly, which creates endorphins.
It’s also essential to come back later to talk about the situation. A child needs to have things explained, especially when they’ve seen one parent walk out.
Whitham has found her own method to self-regulate. “When I have trouble reacting to a situation, I sit with my vocabulary of feelings and needs and I offer myself empathy. I feel trapped, and self-empathy gives me back my power to act. Then I share this with my husband, because I want us to learn,” she recounts.
Myths
Bilodeau says that there are a lot of myths surrounding NVC and safe parenting. Some think it is too loose an approach, that it creates spoiled children. She says there are a lot of misconceptions:
“In the 70s and 80s, and even into the 90s, parenting was very coercive. Nobody really talked about NVC. Scientific studies on the approach have only come in the last 15 years, in the affective and social neurosciences. It’s normal that it would be misunderstood because most people grew up with authority-figure parents.”
Things are slowly evolving. Bilodeau believes the change will come through education. The new generation of teachers seems to be more open to NVC.
To move things forward Whitham gives seminars on this way of communicating. She has even written a book and created a card game illustrating feelings and needs. For her, NVC isn’t something to insist upon, but to cultivate.
Are you ready to sow the seed to make the empathy garden flourish?
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